If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
