party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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