i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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