Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
