Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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