So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
