i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
