Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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