Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
