The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
