dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
