Soap is not a condiment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
