Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
