Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
