Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
