How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
