if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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