I am in a vortex of obligation.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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