Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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