Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
