Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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