How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
