Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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