i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
