I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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