3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
