2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
...so i touched it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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