I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
