Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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