She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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