I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
