OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
