Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
