So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
