Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
