Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
