you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
