dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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