I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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