it was like his penis was on wheels.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
