Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
