woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
