I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
