Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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