Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
