are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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