My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
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That's how twitter works, right?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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