I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
whose ass print is on the piano?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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