So drunk its hurt
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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