you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
zippers are such a cool invention
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My breasts were aching with rage.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
