i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
