I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Oh god it's open bar.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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