So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
