Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
