i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need to sanitize my soul.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
