Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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