I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
