A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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