Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
