there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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