I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
