It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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